Sunday, May 26, 2013

Star Trek Into Darkness movie review by Maja & Bimby



MAJA: Hello Bimby! I said "hello Bimby." Bimby, you lowk at me when I say hello ha?

BIMBY: Sorry ate Maja.

MAJA: Tudey, we are heer to pri-seynt to yew awer rebyu op "Star Trek Into Darkness."

BIMBY: I actually made nood na the movie like twice coz it was sooooo awesome! Caso yaya didn't appreciate it eh.

MAJA: Ahihu. Maybe beekowz she didn't anderstand the mowbie Bimby?

BIMBY: The plot was, like, very easy to make sunod-sunod kaya!

MAJA: It was in English kasi Bimby, kahit me I got nosebleds when watsing it! Pero it was maganda ha.

BIMBY: Of course! You don't even need to be a Trekkie/Trekker to even love the film.

MAJA: Onga Bimby, akala ko I needed to watch yung original films, buti naman hinde! Ang dami nun ha, mga 9 movies yun diba?

BIMBY: Yes! You don't need to be a hardcore Star Trek fan to understand this film. It'd help if you watched the 2009 movie, though, para you make unawa the characters, especially the Spock-Kirk dynamic, and Captain Kirk's relationship with his mentor Christopher Pike, pero even if you didn't watch the 2009 film you can easily understand Into Darkness parin.

MAJA: Yeah! Pero that dasent mean dat da movie is mababaw ha, da story was 'intricate', the plat waz nat prediktabol, at it had enap aksyon to keep you at da edj op yor seet!

BIMBY: Hehehe, ate Maja, spell "intricate" nga?

MAJA: Ahihu, ahhhm, ano na lang, "detailed" na lang Bimby. Ahihihu.

BIMBY: Hehehehe. Anyway, the movie may be about starships and alien civilizations set 300 years or so into the future, pero at its core is a human story. And it helped that Benedict Cumberbatch, the villain, was kinda cute.

MAJA: Kyot, Bimby? You meaned....ahhhhm, conpeermd ka na ba?

BIMBY: What? NO!! Ermagheeeerd, I meant......uhmmm....I meant that girls will find him cute. And also gay peeps like tito John Lapus. Hehehehe.

MAJA: Wateber, Bimby. I smell you na. I smell you! Ahihu.

BIMBY: For those who haven't seen the movie pa, we have super spoilers below. We made a list of references Star Trek Into Darkness made of the original Star Trek for the curious, and also some points that peeps need to make alala so they can understand the film better. Hehehehe.






SPOILER ALERT BELOW!!!!!!


1) Transwarp beaming. In the 2009 film, Spock from the 24th century travelled back through time to help stop the villain of that movie. He helped Montgomery Scott develop the equation for "transwarp beaming", or the ability to teleport to far away places (regular teleporters or "transporters" only have a range of a few kilometers, whereas transwarp beaming will allow you to teleport across lightyears, even between planets!). The older Spock remained behind to serve as a mentor of sorts to the new Spock.

2) In the original Star Trek, Christopher Pike became an invalid due to an accident. In the 2009 film, he was injured but he could otherwise walk. He serves as a father-figure to Captain Kirk, who lost his father (played by Thor himself, Chris Hemsworth), some 28 years prior to the events of the 2009 film. Things didn't go well for Christopher Pike in Star Trek Into Darkness, though.


3) Spock's race, the Vulcans, favor logic above all else. They do not display ANY emotion. Vulcans are said to be 3 or 5 times stronger than humans, which explains how he was able to fight on a more equal footing with the film's primary antagonist. Vulcans are also capable of telepathically reading the thoughts of other people via "mind meld" (a Vulcan touches certain points on another person's face and the meld begins). They are also capable of using a "nerve pinch", wherein they squeeze a point in another person's shoulder and it renders them unconscious.

   The planet Vulcan was destroyed in the previous 2009 movie, and as a result, the Federation is in a heightened state of alert as they're greatly weakened by the loss of such an important member-world.

4) Earth belongs to an interstellar alliance of worlds known as "the Federation." Starfleet is its military branch. Starfleet's primary mandate is exploration and conducting humanitarian efforts for other races. When encountering primitive life (as seen at the start of the movie), Starfleet officers are required to uphold the "Prime Directive", which prohibits Starfleet from exposing the primitive cultures to the anything that will interfere with their natural evolution.


5) The Federation is engaged in a long cold war with its neighbor, the Klingon Empire. Earth is the center of government of the Federation, while Kronos (spelled Qo'nos in the Klingon language) is the Klingon homeworld. In Into Darkness, it can be seen that the moon orbiting Kronos looked shattered. This could be a reference to the old Star Trek film "Star Trek 6: the Undiscovered Country", wherein the Klingon moon, Praxis, exploded due to overmining. Indeed, in Into Darkness, the planet surface appeared to be experiencing what could be a nuclear winter--or the place was just simply in a colder region of the planet.

6) The Klingons were "altered" for this film. See the comparison below.


7) Klingons loved bird-shaped ships. Although re-designed, the Klingon Bird of Prey retained much of the elements of the original. See below.


8) This film borrows heavily from the second original Star Trek movie, "Star Trek 2: the Wrath of Khan." The villain in "Into Darkness" is also Khan Noonien Singh (or Khan for short) but he looks different, somewhat.


Khan is a product of genetic engineering during the late 90s and he and his followers were cryogenically frozen after being defeated in a war. In the original, Khan was found by Captain Kirk asleep aboard his ship, the "Botany Bay", and he tried to take over the Enterprise but was defeated by Kirk and marooned onto a planet. Later, Khan came back, stole a Starfleet ship, and fought Kirk. The new Khan shares the same background but this time, it was not Kirk who found him but the "evil" Admiral Marcus (played by Peter Weller of Robocop fame), and it occurred offscreen. Khan in Into Darkness is somewhat stronger than the original Khan, and he also has a "healing factor"  capable of reversing even death. The original Khan didn't display such extensive regenerative abilities.

9) In the original universe, Uhura wasn't well versed in the Klingon language (written as "tlhIngan Hol" or simply "Klingon"), which was for comedic effect back in the day. In Into Darkness, it's shown that Uhura is now well versed in Klingon (probably as a result of Starfleet's heightened paranoia perhaps?).

10) Also borrowing from "Star Trek 2: the Wrath of Khan" was the scene where Kirk, Spock, and Montgomery Scott were in engineering. However, they were reversed for Into Darkness.

  • In the original, it was Spock who entered the radiation-filled area to fix the warp core and save the ship. In Into Darkness, it was Kirk who did it.
  • In the original, when Kirk came to Engineering, Scott told him to not open the door or "(he) will flood the whole compartment." In Into Darkness, Scott said pretty much the same thing to Spock when he came in.
  • In the original, a dying Spock (while inside the irradiated area and behind the glass door) asked Kirk "Ship....out of danger?" In Into Darkness, Kirk asks "How's the ship?" to which Spock responded "Out of danger."
  • In the original and Into Darkness, Spock and Kirk were separated by a glass door that kept radiation from spreading across the ship. Kirk also laid out his hand on the glass door, while Spock did the Vulcan salute.
  • In the original, when Kirk was dealt a blow by Khan, Kirk yelled the iconic "Khaaaaaaan!" very angrily. In Into Darkness, it was Spock who yelled "Khaaaaaan!", this time in anguish after Kirk is killed.



11) The desk of Admiral Marcus contains models of starships, including the NX-01 Enterprise (Star Trek: Enterprise), and the USS Phoenix (Star Trek: First Contact).

12) The museum that was bombed in London is supposedly a secret office for Section 31, a black ops branch of Starfleet Intelligence. The concept of section 31 was introduced in the TV series Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. Starfleet Command (where that ginormous black Starship crashed onto) is located in San Francisco. You can see the black starship smash onto Alcatraz island, among others.

13) During the closing credits, the names of the actors were listed alphabetically...in keeping with Star Trek tradition.



Tuesday, May 21, 2013

RYZZA MAE INTERVIEWS ANNABELLE RAMA!!!


RYZZA MAE: Good morning po mga Dabarkads and welcome to...the....Ryzza Mae..... SHOW!!!!!!

RYZZA: Ang guest po natin today ay isang kontrobersyal pong tao! Kilala po sya bilang isang matapang na tao na kahit hanggang lamay eh nakikipag-away. Tumakbo rin po sya bilang kongresista sa Cebu kaso olats! Si Annabelle Rama! Palakpakan na may kasamang sigawan!!!!

ANNABELLE: Nyawa kang bata ka, para mo naman akong nelaet sa emong entrodaksyon, day.

RYZZA: Ay, pasensya na po, mali po ba yung mga sinabi ko?

ANNABELLE: Dele naman, day, kaso sana penaganda mo yung senasabe mo kay buyag magalet ako sa emo.

RYZZA: Ano po?

ANNABELLE: Sabe ko baka magalet ako sayo.



RYZZA: Ahhh. Hindi ko po naintindihan yung sinabi nyo. Ano pong accent yun? Jejemon po?

ANNABELLE: Ay loko kang bata ka at tenawag akong jijimun? Besaya ang tunu ko, day, dili iyon Jijimun.

RYZZA: Naku, pasensya na po! Akala ko po kasi Jejemon yung sinabi nyo eh!

ANNABELLE: Besaya ang tawag sa mga nakatera sa Vesayas area. May Cebuano, may Elonggo, Waray, itsitira.

RYZZA: Diba po taga Cebu kayo po?

ANNABELLE: Ay oo, day.

RYZZA: Diba tumakbo po kayo doon?

ANNABELLE: Oo, day. Tumakbo ako bilang Congressman.

RYZZA: Napagod po ba kayo sa pagtakbo?

ANNABELLE: Bwahawhawhawhawh! Ay loko kang bata ka, magaleng ka mag-dyok ha, kahet loma na. Bwahawhawhawhawh.

<<inom ng tubig si Annabelle>>

RYZZA: Bakit po kayo natalo?

ANNABELLE: Pfeeewwww! (nadura ni Annabelle ang tubig) Ay kaloka naman ang emo tanong, day! Ay seguro, day, kay mas pupolar ang kalaban ko ba. Kahet denala na keta duon at magsayaw-sayaw ka pate sena Marian, Regine, Loveh Pu, Sarah Lahbate, pate sena Chard at Mond at Ropa kay naggeleng-geling man doon kaso malakas talaga ang kalaban, day.

RYZZA: Hindi po "Day" ang pangalan ko po. Ryzza po!

ANNABELLE: Oo alam ko eha, "Day" lang ang tawag nameng mga Besaya pag babai ang kaosap.

RYZZA: Ahh. Papano po pag lalake? "Doy" po?

ANNABELLE: Bwahawhawhawhawh! Pelosopo kang bata ka ah. Pag lalaki, "dong" ang tawag.

RYZZA: Dong po? Yung jowa po ni ate Marian po?

ANNABELLE: Bwahawhawhawh! Oo, tolad ng pangalan ng juwa ne Marianita. Papano mo nalaman yang saletang "jowa"?

RYZZA: Sa anak nyo po.

ANNABELLE: Kay Ropa?


RYZZA: Hindi po! Dun po sa isa nyo pang anak, dun po sa bakla po!

ANNABELLE: Pastilan, loko tong batang 'to ah, wala akong anak na bakla, day!

RYZZA: Huh? Meron po! Si Kuya Raym--

ANNABELLE: (kinuha ang mic stand at akmang hahampasin si Ryzza) Ay manahemek kang bata ka konde makatekem ka sakon!

<<Tumakbo palayo si Ryzza>>

RYZZA: Belaaat! May anak kayong bakla, bakla, bakla!

ANNABELLE: Ay bastos kang bata ka, tenawag mo akong "belat"?!!! Bomalek ka deto burikak ka kay paputiin keta sa latay!

<<naghabulan sa set si Annabelle at Ryzza>>

RYZZA: (humahangos) Magbabalik po ang....the Ryzza Mae....show!!!

Friday, May 17, 2013

PAPANO MAGING SOSYAL SA SOCIAL MEDIA v2.0 by Georgina & Liz

In this segment, tuturuan tayo ng mga IT girls (kuno) Georgina Wilson & Liz Uy ng mga tips kung papano maging sosyal sa social media v2.0!!! (see also version 1.0 here)





GEORGINA: Hi guys! I'm sure you're NOT reading this in my voice kasi hindi naman ako ganun ka-prominent para matandaan nyo how I sound like pero humor me. I'm Georgina, and with me is the very funny Vice Ganda--

LIZ: Excuse me?! Shuta ka, si Liz ako noh!

GEORGINA: Weh?

LIZ: Pakyu ka, duraan kita dyan eh.

GEORGINA: Sorry (flip ng hair).

LIZ: Anyways, andito kaming dalawang prim and proper ladies to teach you guys kung papano maging sosyal sa social media....version 2.0! Lakas ko lang maka-Sarah G dun. Ahahahahaha.




TIP1: Surround yourself with like-minded friends.  Of course, mahirap maging sosyal kung ikaw lang ang nakakaalam. Maghanap ng mga sycophants, SoCli, at iba pang mahilig din sa "better things in life" and spend time chatting about it. Posse, groupie, group, whatever you call them. You need that support mechanism.






TIP2: Gold, gold, GOLD! If you've seen "No Other Woman," diba mayaman ang family ni Cristine Reyes dun pero halatang bagong yaman or "nouveau riche" sila kasi puro gold ang gamit sa bahay? Wag kayo maniniwala sa mga nagsasabing "old rich" lang ang pwede magpa-sosyal. Pwede rin tayong mga nouveau riche! And one way to achieve that is make sure lahat ng gamit nyo eh kumikinang-kinang na ginto. Keber if people point out na para ka lang may hepatitis, inggit lang ang mga yan.




TIP3: Be a snob! Lalo na kapag grupo kayo na binabati sa twitter? Wag kayong mamansin! 6 or more ba naka-mention sa good morning tweet? Hayaan mo na yung mga ibang lowclass na tao ang sumagot. Dahil sosyal ka, ikaw lang ang namumukod-tanging hindi sasagot sa group tweet. Sosyal ka eh.


TIP4: Pumunta sa mga events. May bago bang bubuksang mall na otherwise eh napaka-layo kung saan ka nakatira pero may certain A-list celebrity na pupunta dun para mag-ribbon cutting? Aba, gora na doon and make sure you let everyone know!






TIP5: Tweet about the traffic. Syempre, papano malalaman ng mga tao na sosyal ka if you don't inform them that you have a ride? Dapat ang hanash mo is "Gawd, super heavy ng traffic dito sa ____, kahit naka-full aircon ako aboard my Porsche 911 GT2, mainit parin!"



TIP6: Incessantly tweet self-motivation quotes, Bible quotes, and anything preachy. Why? Para ma-establish mo sa ibang tao na may values ka, na God-fearing ka, at may moral compass ka. By using these quotes or life guides, you're subtly telling people: "Hey, I'm better than you, so listen up! Here, bask in my copy-pasted wisdom."

TIP7: Remind people what God is. Let's all pretend na nakalimutan ng mga tao kung sino si God so mag-tweet ng random hanash like "Si God ay Panginoon, hindi penge-noon" or "Jesus loves you". And, let's all pretend na ang mga nagti-tweet nyan eh ine-express lang nila ang love nila kay God instead of being famewhores na naghahanap lang ng retweets. At pag tuwing Sunday, huwag kalimutang ipaalam sa lahat na nagsisimba ka, para maalala ng mga tao na isa kang santo na bumaba sa lupa para magsabog ng biyaya sa lahat.

TIP8: Inform everyone what you're wearing. Magkaron ng designated "outfit of the day" and tweet about it relentlessly na para bang isa kang fashion icon na may strong following sa twitter. Keber kung hindi naman maganda tignan sayo ang outfit mo or nadaan mo lang sa sepia tones ng instagram ang ikinaganda ng look, sosyal ka eh. So tweet on!


GEORGINA: Well, that's it guys. We can't reveal to you everything.

LIZ: Yeah, we'll leave you wanting more. Till next time.

SARCIADONG SEASHELLS WITH ATE GUY & ATE REG

Follow AsiasTweetybird and Nora A Superstar on twitter!

REGINE: Hi guysh and welcome choo another epishode of Sharap Diva!!! Very speshal po ang guesht ko today. Isha na po shang mashashabing icon sha indushtriya. Walang iba kundi ang nag-iisha, the one and only, Pinoy Pop Shuper.....I mean, THE ShuperShtar, missh Nora Aunor!!!!

      <<Palakpakan>>

NORA: (Kaway kaway) Hello, hello, HELLO! Salamat po sa inyong pagpapaunlak sakin sa butihin ninyong palabas. Ako'y lubos na nagagalak at nakasama ako dito.

REGINE: You chew chitcha, tagal kitang di nakita. Sho, ano po lulutchuin natin ngayon?

NORA: Ang ating lulutuin ngayon ay isang ispesyal na putahe. At para po sa mga health conscious, this food is not a PIG! This food is not a PIG! Este pork. Healthy po siya.

REGINE: Yesh po, mga kaibigan, ang lulutuin po natin ay Sharshadong Sheashellsh.

NORA: Yes Reg, ang lulutuin natin ay Sarciadong Seashells.....♫ from the ocean. Shinning in the sun, covering up the shore♫....

REGINE: Ay tita, tchara na po magluto na po tayo.

NORA: Sige hija..




REGINE: Mahirap po bang magluto with sheashellsh tita?

NORA: Hindi naman hija. Hindi mo kailangan ng himala, dahil walang himala, ang himala ay nasa puso ng--

REGINE: Let'sh shtart na tchita.

NORA: Hmp!



STEP 1: Linishing mabuti ang sheashellsh para matanggal ang lansha.

STEP 2: Atin pong painitin ang kalan at mangyari po'y igisa na ang sibuyas, bawang, at kamatis sa isang litrong Gin bulag


REGINE: Uhm, tchita, gin bulag po?

NORA: Ay, pasensya na hija. I meant yung pinagkuluan ng seashells, yung broth pala.

STEP 3: Ilabash ang finished product! 

REGINE: Well, that'sh it guysh! 
NORA: Oh diba't napakadali lamang? Para ka lang tumira ng bato.
REGINE: Bato tita?
NORA: Eshte.......eSte, kayang kaya ng kahit sino.
REGINE: Sige guysh! Till nexsth time!

SEX FOREPLAY TIPS FROM RUFFA & GRETA (Adults only)



Controversial stars Ruffa Gutierrez & Greta Barretto reveal intimate secrets they have when it comes to foreplay. Rated SPG ito mga Loves ha! Striktong PangmaliliboG lang. Ahihihihihihihi.




TIP #1 RUFFA: Pag hahalikan ka ng boylet mo, hawakan mo ang likod ng ulo nya, and gently, run your fingers through his hair. Ganyan ang ginagawa ko dati kay Zoren. Sorry Mina! Bwahawhawhawhawh!



TIP #2 RUFFA: Bumulong ka, gently, sa tenga nya tapos gawin mong seductive, sabay dila-dilaan mo ang flap ng skin sa harap ng tenga nya. Tipong ganito: "Ylmaaaaaz, I want a divorce coz you're not giving my MOM enough money. Oooooh oooohhhh."


TIP #3 RUFFA: I-wet mo ang lips mo, seductively, with your tongue sabay moan, tapos sabihin mong "I can't wait to taste you." Pag medyo dry ang lips mo, try mong pang-wet sa lips mo ang Tanduay rum or kahit na anong liquor, tulad ng foreplay namin ni John Lloyd. Bwahawhawhawh.




TIP #4 RUFFA: Wag ka nang mag-inarte. Magpa-backdoor ka na. Kaya ko nakuha ang alindog ng Semerand twins, kasi dumaan sila sa front door AT backdoor. At may doggie door pa sana kung pwede lang. Bwahawhawhawhawh.

TIP #5 RUFFA: Habang naghuhugas ka ng pinggan, or nagwa-wash ng car, or kahit na ano'ng mundane task, basain mo ang tee shirt mo. Wag ka magba-bra para see-through ang jutongs mo. Or, gumamit ka ng Nestea. Ganyan ko sineduce si Derek Ramsay. Kaso nga lang hindi ako nagbanlaw so paggising ko, ang dami kong kagat ng antik. Bwahawhawhawh.



TIP #6 RUFFA: Magpa-innocent looking ka habang pahiga ng bed. Yung may kagat-labing effect pa. Basta dapat pa-virgin ang effect. Kaya nga nagpropose pa sakin nun si Binoy eh. Sorry Marielle. Welcome to the club! Bwahawhawhawh.



TIP #7 RUFFA: Pa-inosente dapat ang peg mo pero marunong kang mag-dirty talk. Intense yun for men. Halimbawa "f*ck you and your ancestors. Leave me and Mond with your shame. You have no followers. Papansin!" Bwahawhawhawhawh.



  • LOVI: Oh Greta, parang tameme ka ata? Wala ka bang tips for our readers?
TIP #8 GRETCHEN: Che! Wala akong sex tips sa inyo noh. Lagi kasi akong bangag sa collagen at placenta kapag nagke-kembolar kami ni Tony Boy para wala akong maramdaman. Mwahahahahahaha! #KaLORKA!

RUFFA: Etchosera ka Greta, meron kang pwedeng i-tip

GRETA: Ano naman?

RUFFA: Manood sila ng mga bomba films mo nung 80s para pampagana! Or yung scandal nyo ni John Estrada. Bwahawhawhawhawh!

GRETA: My God, matagal nang na-forget ng mga tao yan!

RUFFA: Oh sige, if you want recent, why not yung scandal ni Marjorie? Bwahawhawhawhawh!

GRETA: Wow, hiyang-hiya naman kami sa scandal MO na luwa yung lawlaw mong boobs! Or yung sa nanay mo nung 1800s ba yun? Mwahahahahaha! #kaLORka.

RUFFA: F*ck you and your ancestors Greta!!!!

GRETA: F*ck you rin sis! Mwahahahahaha!